


wonderings and wanderings

by Scor



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, M/M, stupid boys in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-21
Updated: 2014-09-21
Packaged: 2018-02-18 06:00:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 963
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2337779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Scor/pseuds/Scor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dan can't stop wondering or wandering, and maybe it's all Phil's fault.</p>
            </blockquote>





	wonderings and wanderings

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written about a year ago, and it's taken me that long to pluck up the courage to post it. 
> 
> There is much coffee drunk, pining over a relationship gone wrong and general sadness, plus a dose of fluff to rot your teeth with.
> 
> warnings for depressive behaviour and boys being stupid.

Dan wonders quite when the silence between them began to suffocate. Dan wonders when Phil stopped looking at his eyes when they spoke, when he began to draw into himself, when the distance separating them on the couch became an ocean. It's January, and Dan wonders about a lot of things lately.

February, and Dan makes coffee for two and then recalls that only one mug needs to be filled. So he fills it, pours the rest of the dark liquid into the sink where it swirls and eddies down the plughole, staining the silver a murky brown. The walls seem to be shrinking in around him.

Dan smiles for the first time in three months in March, when Phil comes home drunk and Dan can hear him cry through the thin walls, because the heartwrenching noise means that Phil is still human, and maybe it's not just Dan that is still in love--

April comes, and a different sound echoes through the apartment at night. Phil brings home girls, and boys, and Dan tries not to think about how warm he always was in the morning, with Phil's arm hitched around his waist and fingertips skating circles along his side and skin against skin. These days, Dan wakes up shivering.

Dan goes on a date. And another. But not a third, because it's May and summer is almost here, and the sudden blue of the sky reminds him of Phil's eyes and his heart hurts a little- oh, but only a little.

They start to talk again, and the gap lessens in June, and they watch Deathnote and the businessmen in suits that pass the flat every morning, but it's a lottery as to whether Dan wakes up feeling empty again or if today there is a flicker of a smile.

On the longest day of the year in July, Dan slips into Phil's room when the older boy is out and feels the hot sting of salt in the corners of his eyes that comes with remembering. There is a hand twisting and crushing inside his ribcage, and a little voice inside his head abstractly reminds him to breathe, because breathing is important, although he can't quite remember why. Day blurs into day.

It's August and the heat slips into every inch of space, and there is almost a gladness for Dan in the way it makes the air hot and heavy, a stifling embrace that holds him tight enough for him to dry his eyes and breathe slow for a moment.

September passes without mention, except for that one time that Dan comes out of the shower with only a towel wrapped around his waist, and Phil's hands shake so much that he drops a plate. Dan doesn't notice, because Dan doesn't notice much any more.

October.Phil starts closing the cupboard doors and wearing matching socks.

And then Dan is feeling again, and shouting, and screaming in November, because I hate you and fuck off and I wish you were fucking dead's are better than the nothing that fills every corner of the flat. Dan stumbles through the 30 days and Phil worries.

Somehow in December, Dan gets a boyfriend. His name is Troye, and he is short and pale and too skinny, with blue, blue eyes just like Phi-- No. They cuddle and kiss and laugh and Dan feels the Phil-shaped hole in his middle slowly start to be filled, which makes him hurt, but in a good way. He spends Christmas Day with Troye and Phil and smiles until his cheeks ache, because he finally has something to show for this year. Later, when Troye has fallen asleep still tangled in Dan's limbs, Dan listens to the quiet whuffling of Phil's breath in the next room and tries not to think about how the person lying next to him isn't who it once was.

It's January again, and Dan is still wondering. He can't stop. And the wondering turns to wandering one night when Troye is away, and the still-asleep wandering leads him to a room in the apartment where an inky-haired boy sleeps, who doesn't say a word when he wakes and sees Dan, but lets him sleep in his bed while he evacuates to the sofa. Dan wakes the next morning with the scent of Phil all around him, and it seeps into his airways, a long forgotten memory.

Troye cheats. Dan cries. Phil comforts. And when the nightmares get too bad and Dan can't sleep without seeing demons, he creeps between Phil's rumpled sheets and Phil holds him quietly and everything is alright for just a little while in those February nights.

In March, they play Sonic again, and Phil is no good at Sonic, so Dan laughs and grabs the controller and completes the level for him. Phil makes coffee for two.

Dan is leaning against the kitchen counter drinking yet more coffee in April, and when Phil comes over with a look thats halfway between terrified and determined, he sets down the cup and asks what's wrong, and then--oh-- Phil's mouth is on his, soft and hot and Dan can still taste the coffee on his tongue, but it is cleared away by Phil's clean, sharp spearmint toothpaste and the sensation is making him dizzy, but he doesn't want to stop the slide of their lips and tongues, not now, not ever. And when they lie together afterwards, sweat-soaked and love-drunk, Dan feels Phil's oh-so-familiar warmth all around him, and curls around him possessively, and whispers fierce and quiet into the silence iloveyouiloveyouiloveyou. All the bits of his heart suddenly seem to fit together because nothing has ever felt more right in his whole life, and Dan isn't wondering any more.


End file.
